Life as I Once Knew It

Visited the cancer doctor today, I was in hopes that things would start rolling now so we could get this fixed. Boy was I wrong, he said there are some suspicious spots on uterus and adrenal glands that need to be looked at so I am having another MRI on these areas. The spot that they originally found is about 3 inches big, lays between liver and stomach. There is a spot on the liver also so will check this more also. He won't know how to treat this until I have an MRI and possibly more biopsies.

I asked if surgery was an option, NO. Radiation and chemo, now I really don't know if that is what I want. I am scared of it. I want to be positive but I have heard so many stories about both and literally I am scared.

The doctor did say that he is not offended by asking for a second opinion and said if he can't do anything or figure it out he will send me somewhere else.

Doctor is calling it small cell carcinoma. Linking it to lung cancer. What the heck is with that? I don't smoke. Only thing is I have been exposed to second hand smoke and a lot of it was when I worked as a waitress and smoking was allowed and there was a lot of it. I did that for many years. My parents both smoked, my husband does but not around me.

Life as I once knew it has changed. It will be forever different than it was a month ago before I had the scan. I have a whole new vocabulary to learn that deals with cancer, something I had not paid a lot of attention to in the past because I have had no one in my family with cancer.

I would like to wake up and find that this was all a nightmare. I have been trying to stay calm and positive but today was not one of those days. I wanted answers and a fix for it. My feelings are anger right now. Why me? I live a healthy lifestyle and take care of myself. I am angry because I wanted answers, I am angry because this is going to be a burden on my family, I am angry because I don't know how we are going to afford this.

My initial thoughts are I don't want to do anything. Let it run its course. Friends were calling me and I just wanted to be alone in my own thoughts. I haven't digested this enough. I know I will do what I have to but I sure don't want others to have to suffer because of me. Aren't I the one who makes it all better?

I got in my car and drove around a bit. I cried and talked to God. I need some answers from him. I can't move on with this until we get some answers how they are going to treat it.

Life as I once knew it will never be the same again.